| Blue Christmas. |
[Dec. 26th, 2004|11:16 am] |
Sigh.
My partner and I celebrate our "monthsary" on the 25th of the month, so we were pretty happy about the time we had together on Christmas day.
But then, he texts me later at night that he'll meet up with someone so that he can finally break the news that he's taken. That's fine with me, I trust him a lot, but then he goes like "I'm scared because he's hinting about going to a motel."
WTF?
So I called him up, and we had a heated argument. My point was, if he knew this while we were together that day, why didn't he tell me? I have no problem with him, that's for sure, but he's not exactly physically built for combat, if you know what I mean. And he's so nice that he can be tricked.
We said sorry to each other in the end.
Still, what a fuckup. |
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| ohdearlordy. |
[Dec. 12th, 2004|01:50 pm] |
You know, this explains a lot. |
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| I can still smell his scent on my bed. |
[Dec. 3rd, 2004|04:04 pm] |
My partner and I went through some hi-jinx as his new job was at a call center, and that's notorious on time. Still, as it turns out, it's good for his time and mine, as he can get to sleepover after his shift at my place.
I love being able to remove his shirt and put on one of my old shirts so that he can sleep in more comfort. And how I remove his shoes and socks so he can get into bed.
And then we sleep. He rests his head on my neck, and snuggles in. It's a good fit, and soon, we are both asleep, holding each other's hands.
I love seeing his sleeping face in the morning light.
For all of the bad shit that happened this week, I am happy that he sleeps with me in the same bed.
OT Observation:
His call center buddies are not very cute, and there is a lack of twinkage, but hey, it's fine, can't rain cuties all the time. |
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| Jologs are so cute. |
[Nov. 20th, 2004|01:51 pm] |
My band had a gig last night, and i swear...CUTE GUYS.
JOLOGZCUTEGUYS.
Gads, if i were single, i would have taken some of them home.
when we were on the way home, there was this one 14er jolog who was drying himself off (it was a rainy night), and he was standing around in LIGHT BLUE BOXERS WITH TEDDY BEARS ON THEM. Lordie, I wanted to take him home and do all the things he's only ever thought about in his gender-insecure mind.
hehehhehe.
sorry, horny post. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 17th, 2004|06:07 pm] |
From a friend's LJ:
The problem with LJ: we all think we are so close, but really we know nothing about each other.
I want you to ask me something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about.
Ask away. Then post this in your LJ and find out what people don't know about you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 16th, 2004|12:45 am] |
Argh. Work has taken the better part of my life for the past few weeks, but thankfully, my partner has made it easier for me both emotionally and psychologically. I seriously don’t think that I would have been able to survive these first few weeks without some sort of spectacular wham-bang-thank-you-boy action, were I single.
And that got me thinking. It’s only now that I appreciate how much of an anchor a partner can be – he’s kept me sane and on a level plane simply by being there and by understanding the rather nasty work cycle that I have (being in a magazine can be a bitch, noting that I have as of this moment gotten into my 14th hour at work, with a few more hours in the offing). I know that it’s hard on him, too, so I swear to treat him out to a quiet weekend of just hanging around the house and going out for a nice meal – perhaps a lunch or merienda at Bellini’s, one of my favorite nooks in Cubao. I love him so. And yes, I am allowing my self to be cheesy.
And so, even if I am working myself a bit on the rough side, I am so incredibly happy. Of course, my partner is thinking of getting a job in Sta. Rosa, and I have to admit that I don’t like the idea of that, but we’re working it out, even if it means that I’ll pull some strings to get him a job that is nearer and with more normal hours. |
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| Terms, terms, terms. |
[Nov. 1st, 2004|11:42 pm] |
While Mia, Alex and I were on our way to MegaMall for some book-hunting, I came up with these terms while in the taxi:
Homo-Magnetic Field:
Aura given of by straight or non-straight people that makes gay people attracted to them. This aura is most apparent in people who are termed as gaybait.
Machosexual:
When men think that it is best to be as masuline as possible, so as to be a real man. Please take not that person who is machosexual is not necessarily straight.
Queery
Any line of questioning designed to find out if subject is gay. NOrmally used when one is not sure if subject is gay, but dying to find out, without being obvious. of course, unless one is skilled in queerying, it becomes painfully obvious anyway.
aye well, just thinking out loud. |
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| Back! (...and, well...threesomes...) |
[Oct. 28th, 2004|02:25 am] |
Sorry I haven't written for such a long time, but life has given me a lot to chew on right now, and i had to take a necessary sabbatical from this journal.
It's been a strange time for my partner and I. both of us have gotten agreements from certain people on the idea of having threesomes. Yes, it's kinda mond-boggling, to say the least, but hey, it also made us think. I mean, my partner and I are not exactly the most fabulous of people, objectively speaking, so what did we do right (or otherwise) for people to get into this situation with us?
Person #1 is someone who's had the hots for my partner for the longest time - in fact, he was the one who initiated my partner into being a top (in other words, he was a bottom, okie...?). he wants to go for a second round, and when my partner told him that we were a couple already...his reaction was to go for a threesome! very weird, as it seems he also likes me, based on how my partner described me to him.
Person #2 is a former one-night-stand of mine with whom I I am good friends with. we were joking around one night, and i told him that the only way he would get me in bed again was with my partner...and wow, he was actually thinking about it.
My partner and I are thinking about it, too, from a very cautious standpoint, and these were our conclusions (so far).
1) person #1 is a bottom. since my partner and I are more or less tops when it comes to preferences as single people, we figure it's a great situation in that sense, as we can take turns with him. the negative there is that he might get emotionally attached to my partner even more - and that is NOT good, since he might become more...aggressive in a negative sense. I have no jealousy here, as i am confident in my partner's fidelity, but it is a question of how P#1 might end up mentally, and from that point what he will do to negatviely affect our relationship.
2) person #2's sexual action preferences are: giving and receiving handjobs, receiving blowjobs, and being frenchkissed. period. it's exciting, but also limited in a way. The good thing is, P#2 is the sort who knows where the limits of intimacy are in such a case, and could very well have coffee with us after the threesome in perfectly fine form. not to mention go back for a return bout with no emotional baggage.
3) my partner and I are open-minded in the sense that we are curious, but we are doubtful that we'll be able to even get to the point of truly considering a threesome - after all, it is not on the list of normal things a gay couple does, at least not for our backgrounds. So it remains merely as an amusing concept, but one that is rather iffy in terms of reality.
4) we know that we are both very faithful to each other (even though I flirt uproariously with girls when I am drunk - pero hanggang flirt and macho talk lang, kasi it's fun to let my straight self out for a short while...and yes, my partner knows, and he finds it amusing; I do not hide anything from him). And both of us are rather confused as to how a threesome would be viewed from the standpoint of fidelity - is it still faithful, because we are both in it, or is it not, since there is, after all, a third party involved? We are sure of not fallling for the third party, but how about the third party falling for one of us? isn't that rather unfair to the third party? So, because of these and other related questions, we would rather not. At least, that is our preliminary conclusion.
It's funny; we were talking about it in a casual manner as we were lying in bed (with our clothes on!), resting and trying not to feel the heat of the afternoon. and both of us were giggling and guffawing because it was such a logical, serious and at the same time comedic conversation, much like a gentleman's debate.
Hay naku. and it made us feel more love for each other. nakupow, naging romantic pa kami as we were talking about it (as opposed to horny). we ended up falling asleep in each other's arms.
Funny how the possibility of a threesome (more than one offer, natch) made us fall in love with each other more: we must be so blessed to have each other, and we must be so good to be as a couple, that others want to join in on the fun! LOL!
we fell asleep softly giggling.
and I told him I loved him. and he murmured the same thing back.
Shet. Ang weird ng aming romantic conversations, i swear. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 22nd, 2004|07:37 pm] |
hello! am back after a long time, no thanks to my celphone getting stolen and my PC breaking down. being cyberblind is so constricting.
on the other hand, I just realized that i have no interest in chat unless i do have an internet connection. that must mean something.
in other news, am four months and going strong with my partner. and the 44-year old man is still trying to worm his way in.
[sigh]
it's just getting...boring and annoying. |
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| All right, I have a few things about being in the music scene. |
[Oct. 11th, 2004|04:17 am] |
I've always been proud of being the only gay bass guitarist in a metal band (at least, in the circles i know of). However, I sometimes feel that it's become a taboo for many people. Why is it that so many people can't accept that a gay guy just happens to be in a metal band, ey? it's like, wow, shocking. For some, it's even inspired hatred towards me.
Get a life!
I'll do what I want, and damn all those who think that what I'm doing isn't the right gay thing to do. The last thing that other gay people should do is impose the very same mechanism of repression on other gay people. That's hypocrisy in full form, and i will never stand for that.
In line with that, I was always wondering: are there anough guitarists, vocalists and drummers out there who are gay, so that a true gay band can be formed? At the very least, I need fag stags (in other words: straight men who don't mind hanging out with a lot of gay men). |
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| Dogging my heels. |
[Oct. 6th, 2004|07:30 am] |
I find myself being disturbed by the fact that I am very protective of my partner when it comes to him meeting other gay people. Is it because i've heard too much about other gay people having had their boyfriends stolen from them under their noses?
Or is it because I know that I am not beyond that myself, if push comes to shove?
I love him, and I want to protect him from all the tricks I know of when it comes to gay men and their creative ways of parting lovers from each other - but do I have the right to put my partner in what amounts to a prison or a cage?
I keep on remembering the advice that one should let go of something, and if it returns, then it is yours. I thought I'd be able to follow that, but not this time. I've lost too manty things to people and events that could have been avoided with just a little bit of protection.
Or, perhaps it is true: I am justified in my being overprotective because I know of many other gay men who want to get him under the sheets.
Whatever. I am not in a good mood. I hate this. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 4th, 2004|04:13 pm] |
Smith & Wessen .44 Magnum. You are old school. Fat
Sheriff Deputies fancy you. Reliable but not
too practical.
What handgun are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You know, it's true in the sense that many of the people who like me (as in gay people in Malate or people in chat) are usually Chubby, Chinese and Hairy. NYARK. And yes, you can count on me, but I'm not always too practical.
But what i really would want to be is one of two guns:
A .44 Automag - Dirty Harry type. Nothing beats something that can punch a hole in an engine block.
A .223 Revolver ("Rat killer"). yes, that's a revolver designed to load rifle cartridges.
Enough of the manly talk for now, I might alienate all of you, hahahah! |
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| Prom Night? |
[Oct. 4th, 2004|03:51 pm] |
Last Saturday, I had one of the best prom nights of my life - in Admit One's Blast fom the Past (Prom Night).
The funny thing was, it was there that I saw how staid such proms were - how I wish Alex was there, so we could be the Gay Couple.
That got me wondering: if I were already openly gay in high school, would I have allowed myself to go with a gay lover? Or would I have gone with a fag hag, just to be true to the school, as it were?
Of course, at the time when I did have my Junior and Senior Proms, I wnet out with my girlfriend at the time, Claire. And I wasn't exactly sure if I were gay at the time, either.
still, it was something to think about.
On the other hand, I should have asked Conrad to pose with me for the Prom pic, WAHAHAHHAHAHA. His girlfriend would probably have had a fit.
And: how do you guys like this pic? should I make it my ID pic for this journal?
( it would have to be edited, but what do you guys think? ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 2nd, 2004|04:03 am] |
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People, please tell others about this journal, especially your open-minded gay friends. let's have a lot of fun! |
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| Being Gay IS NOT AN OPTION. |
[Oct. 2nd, 2004|04:00 am] |
So my partner was walking home with one of his female friends at work, and she told him that she was disturbed at his being gay - maybe he just needed the right woman, she said (complete with the undertones of "...and that would be me!"). She followed it up with giving an idea that more "manly" activities could also help him, err, be straight.
First off: FUCK OFF, BITCH.
As my friend Dawn knows, it's impossible! her dad and mine tried for years to marry us off to each other, to further the bond between our families. no such luck. Also, the thing about "manly" activities is so utterly bogus. My dad tried that, and that's why I like guns, know karate, assemble anime sci-fi model kits and happen to be in a metal band. Did that prevent me from being GAY? shit, no!
And no, I would have to say that I would not wish being gay on anyone's kid; it's not a pleasant experience to be a minority in a hetero world. But we are dealt with the cards life gives us, and the best we can do is to work at acceptance by the hetero world little by little, every single day. No revolution will change anti-gay perception overnight; it will take generations for people to realize that gay peole have always been around, and the best to be done is to understand that gay people have their own role to play in evolution.
You see, this is where my theories about the fact of being gay come into play:
Gay-netics
1) Being gay, for me, is both genetic and environmental. The genetic switch for gayness has to be there, and then environmental factors strengthen it.
2) It's no one's fault. Repeat 500 times.
3) Gay people were probably those in tribes who were in one way or another not good to pass on genetic traits, or somehow had positions of power where heredity could play havoc with social structures - hence, gay people pass on knowledge or history, the society's genetic code much more efficiently. This would explain why many tribal priests and shamans are usually gay or homoerotic.
4) Once gay people identify someone who can fulfill their function when they pass away, they "recruit" them - hence the nurturing of younger gays, since in no way could it be genetic.
i want to add more, but i'll do so in future posts. |
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| Don't play around with my partner, you old fart. |
[Sep. 23rd, 2004|05:30 pm] |
Mr. 44-year-old with a kidney problem has been trying to get one over me and alex again in his texts to alex.
stuff like:
"he won't know, I can be your #2"
"what's a little fun between friends?"
and
"I courted you before he did, so siya yung dapat magbigay."
I was heavily tempted to find out his address from my partner and then go over and break a knee. but, being the constructively angry person that I am, I just poured it out in my band's performance. that felt much better, as there is too much negativity in this world.
And my band kicked major ass with an intense performance.
***
I've just figured it out. it used to be that I was always looking at cuties whenever i went out of the house. on my way to Katipunan to interview a band, i just realized that i wasn't doing my boy-scanning - and that was my favorite activity in the past! Amazing. I love my partner.
and! the interview was with this young band from Ateneo, and damn, I know that half of them are cute, pero walang epekto sa akin. more proof that love conquers all (urges).
And for a final bit of good news, mukhang tuloy ang partner ko with me this weekend. LABS HIM. and whoever comes between us I will turn into bloody jelly.
ha! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 20th, 2004|08:20 pm] |
So while I was running around makati getting all my money in order, i got into a text conversation with a guy from Ilo-Ilo.
To explain:
I met him in chat, and he fell for me, and used to text me quite a lot from Ilo-Ilo. no, we haven;t seen each other's pics, and no, we haven't even talked on the phone yet.
It seems like he got a new number, and was keen on renewing our long-distance whatever.
After a few texts, it dawned on him that i had a new partner. he tried his best to sound cheerful after that, but I could feel the hurt through the text message structures.
I felt bad, too, because i should have told it sooner in the text conversation, but well, some things are best left as they played out.
It never is easy to leave behind those who were in the playing field. and that is the sad part of the dating scene, be it straight or gay.
and even worse, it feels so much more horrible when you're the one left behind. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 18th, 2004|09:40 pm] |
And so it was, that my partner spent the night with me in my house.
While I could regale you all with an account of the more tantric details, the fact is, we had a rather simple night.
A friend of mine came over, having quite a bit of trouble taking her mind off her last attempt at a relationship - or to be more specific, the other person involved in that. we had a long talk, where I bared a lot about how i feel about walking away from relationships, and what limits I set to my own situations - until i realized, oh no, my partner is listening. well, he is my partner, so i just shrugged it off and said what was on my mind. I mean, he deserves to know how i tick, right?
later on, we watched When Harry Met Sally, and let me tell you, I am not getting tired of that film yet, even though I've watched it thrice in the last two weeks. Nothing like New York Love and Hi-Jinx to get one into a romantic mood.
After my friend left, my partner and I retired to sleep, and we figured out that wee both snore, but thankfully that we do not really get bothered by each other unless we snore into the other person's ear.
so here's the gayness for the day: Faced with a sweet situation like this, why do gay men throw it all away so easily. and why do gay men have to keep on "crying behind the smiles" if what they should do is to own up, stand up and just live their lives? Yes, there is discrimination - heck, I've been the victim of that, either which way, but i've survived it. I don't subscribe to the whole gay thing that if one is gay, one has to suffer. Jeez, if that were true, then I would be suffering so much because I'm a writer, a gay man and heavy metal band member. let's not forget that I am also an anime geek. the whole combination of that should make me a suffering sister, but I'm not. I admit to being depressed every now and then, but no way will i let it rule my life.
As an endnote to this entry, I will have to explain why this journal is named LookOut Point, and why the LJ nick is bantaybakla.
LookOut Point: It's like I feel i have to show a point of view - not from the normal gay man, which has been overdone and is in the bailiwick of others, but from my own point of view, my own LookOut Point over the Bay of Gay.
Bantaybakla: hehehehe. I used to say to friends that there had to be an emergency line for gay people who are harrassed. since there is bantay bata 163, then bantaybakla 169 is for gay people who are being harrassed by kids who know their carnal worth and are willing to use it. Bow.
hehehehhe. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 17th, 2004|07:09 pm] |
Yes, this is my first entry, and i'd like to start it off with something mild.
Why the heck do gay people have this propensity to seduce people in relationships? Do they think it's cool? If anything, it makes gay people look utterly, utterly worthy of being destroyed in the eyes of whoever is up there (who I bet is truly gay, too, being that the Big One is of both sexes, or none of them).
I can understand if the person in the relationship is the one doing the cheating - heck, that's not your problem, that's the couple's. BUT, if you're the one trying to get into someone's pants, and you know that they're in a relationship, and you know they wouldn't do anything given if you left them alone...then you're scum.
I know that this probably applies to straight people as well, but gay being gay, our kind makes it so much more flamboyant. and pathetic, in a glamorous sort of way. The funny part is, once the Seducer is in a relationship, he'll cry foul if someone else takes his baby away from him.
So why am i ranting like this? because, my dear friends, that should be obvious.
and so, to all the gay people whom I am describing or meaning to talk about in this entry, and don't like it even if it is my point of view: Here, have a grenade, and stick it up your ass. And don't forget to remove the pin. |
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